There’s been a great deal of speculation about who will perform at the halftime show for Super Bowl 50 (or, as we say in ancient Rome, Super Bowl L). I mean, the Big Five-O…gotta be BIGGERBETTER than ever, right? Billboard reported in September that Bruno Mars had been asked to “curate” the show, performing again and bringing “special guests.” Sarah Moll, director of media events for the NFL, has described herself as a major Bruno fan.
Then, on Oct. 21, E! Online reported that Maroon 5 / Adam Levine had been in talks about playing the show and were the presumed “front-runners.” This news, I confess, made me consider taking my own life. And yet I type on… You’re welcome.
But wait! International Business Times informed its readers that Metallica’s fans had created a Facebook petition demanding that the legendary metal monsters be called to duty—Fade To Black, Katy Perry!
I can imagine if some other artists expressed interest in performing at the most watched musical showcase on the planet (Ms. Perry’s performance at SB XLIX was viewed by nearly 120 million people!), their applications/pitch letters would look like something like these–you can decide whether you’d tune in, or take a much needed bathroom break.
To: Super Bowl 50 Producer(s)
Fr: AC/DC
G’day to you, or g’night, as the case may be. I’m writing to offer the services of my band, AC/DC, for your forthcoming halftime show. We are well aware that you have often favored pretty pop singing girls and boys with multiple dancers, explosions and enormous colorful statues to entertain the fans as the teams retire to their lockers. No disrespect, of course, mate!
AC/DC doesn’t have nor do we require dancers. I handle that responsibility in my special schoolboy uniform with athletic supporter, thank you, as you will plainly see in this video.
What we promise to do for Super Bowl 50 is shake you all night long. Or at least for the 13 minutes allotted for our performance. Isn’t it time to drop the pop and rock the world? Please contact me for a list of references. And be sure to like us on Facebook.
Sincerely,
Angus Young, founder and guitarist
Dear Super Bowl Halftime Producer,
There is no sport that is more American than football…with the possible exception of baseball and bass fishing. And there is no musical style more American than bluegrass (with the possible exception of jazz, country western, blues, R&B, rock ‘n roll..never mind).
We are the Mama Tried bluegrass band and we are interested in bringing our uniquely American sound to your stage for the Super Bowl 50 halftime show. People of every race, creed and country of origin love bluegrass music and Mama Tried has performed at dozens of weddings, fairs and special occasions around the Northeast corridor of our nation. We cover everything from Bob Dylan to John Denver to the Beatles and we’d love to talk to you all about putting on a toe-tapping show for the millions of bluegrass fans out there, and here’s the proof!
Sincerely,
Mama Tried
To: super bowl halftime show person
Fr: lil dicky aka david burd
wadup! adam levine & maroon 5 @ super bowl halftime?!#%! say it ain so bro! u wanna drop it hard for the big 5-0, rite? daz what lil dicky do big time. ima nice jewish rapper from neweffinjersey, i do comedy, i write scripts, when im on mic i bring it! i don kno wachu gonna pay 4 da haftime but u can $ave dat money 4 da post game yo. hit me up an les git dis on…rdy 2 hip hop on da cell. lil dicky rock dis shit 4 u!
Dear Super Bowl L Halftime Producer:
It was recently brought to my attention that thousands of people watch the final football game of the season known as the Super Bowl every year. That is so impressive! My manager suggested I write to you about performing at your concert during halftime, and so I said I shall.
I am a critically acclaimed singer/songwriter/harpist whose music invokes the universal themes of love, loss, existential self-examination and the celebration of nature in lyrics embroidered with metaphors of flora and fauna accompanied by the delicate plucking of my harp strings. Critics have also commented on my childlike voice and its ability to penetrate the tympanic membrane, as you may note in this video clip.
It would be so lovely to perform for your football audience. And I bring my own harp, so no worries there. Please feel free to contact me directly. Oh, and like me on Facebook!
Sincerely,
Joanna Newsom
Dear Super Bowl Executives,
This is not a prank letter so shut up! Let me start by saying, proudly, I am Rebecca Black and, oh yes, Black is back!
I’m writing about your halftime show for 2016 and hoping-slash-praying you haven’t booked a musical artist to perform…YET!
You should know that I’m not just, like, all about ‘Friday’, okay? Not just some YouTuber who shined like a star then drowned in a sea of thumbs-downs from internet trolls—I still have millions of fans and they’re super excited about my new album which is coming out soon!
I would be so psyched to sing for them–and for you!—at your super cool half time show, so call me maybe, k? Coolio!
xxoo Rebecca
Dear Ms. Moll,
30 dancers, 25 gospel singers, 2 DJ’s, 5 wardrobe changes. This ain’t half time…it’s Hammer Time, baby! Call me re Super Bowl 50!
2 Legit,
MC Hammer aka Stanley Kirk Burrell
Editor's note: All letters were culled from the inbox of the author's imagination.
