In response to the need for increased vigilance and readiness as requested by the Office of Homeland Security, our company has issued the following set of guidelines for conducting our business in these trying times:
1. Do not be fooled by incoming packages with those trendy company labels on them. All such items will be taken to our designated airtight room (a.k.a. the voiceover booth), and immersed in warm, soapy water. Employees will be asked to perform this task on a seniority basis.
2. In the interest of avoiding large crowds and gratuitous displays of emotion we will, forthwith, cancel all reservations to the upcoming award shows. For similar reasons, we advise employees to dine "al fresco" at any of our numerous local hot dog eateries.
3. Each employee will be issued a "disaster kit" containing the following items: flashlight, bottled water (sparkling or flat), crudités with various dips, wet suit with matching Speedo, one jar of olives and one quart of top shelf vodka. Good luck.
4. The New York Landmarks Commission has generously distributed sets of simulated wood-grain plastic sheets and duct tape to simultaneously protect and beautify our downtown area lofts in case of emergency.
5. All registered Democrats (remember Al Gore?) will be expected to wear a "What’d you expect?" button on their outerwear. Bush supporters may opt for the "What Me Worry?" version.
6. Please report any suspicious delivery people lurking in the reception area. In particular, note any shifty glances, mutterings about the weather or false attempts at congeniality, and report them promptly.
7. In accordance with our uniquely stylish position as residents of Soho, N.Y., we will have our own discrete set of color-coded alerts. The new system will range from High Risk (jarring mix of green and fuchsia in a swirl of taffeta) to Low Risk (basic black—what else?). These alerts will, of course, be modified on a seasonal basis.
8. All employees will be asked to avoid the use of certain terms in common usage such as "Middle East," "oil change," "swarthy," "pita bread," "right on" and "uh-oh."
9. Lastly, it is important to note that it is inappropriate to dwell on any thoughts of how these precautions may be injuriously affecting our business. Our president has made it abundantly clear that the economy is doing just fine, thank you, and that these measures are not, as some have suggested, a ruse to distract us from this basic fact.
