Quantum physics has a theory which posits that every possible outcome to every situation exists simultaneously. (For a detailed technical analysis of this phenomenon, I suggest watching reruns of Quantum Leap on the Sci Fi channel.)
What this implies is that while I’m presently the executive producer of a music company, somewhere I still toil away as an agency producer, which I did in this universe for fifteen years. So, given the rapid pace of advancements in technology, and the excellent cellular network in the U.S., I wasn’t surprised when our rep called and said, "Your doppelganger in Universe Beta Prime, Planet Nokia, has a board for MegaGlobalHype. You’re still an agency producer there. Give yourself a call."
I laughed, "I can’t make a call to L.A. that lasts more than thirty seconds before I’m cut off, and you want me to call myself in another universe?"
"No worries," our rep said. "In this universe, the Finns won World War II and definitely have their cellular act together. Nokia runs the whole planet. You’ll get through."
"What agency am I with?"
"Backer Ammurati Bates Wells Rich Spielvogel."
"Wow," I said. "Things really are different there."
"Not really. All their accounts are in review. Look, it doesn’t get any better than this. If you have to kiss butt for work, it might as well be your own. Let me know how it goes."
So I called me. Thirty times. Finally, I remembered that my secretary used to screen all my calls, so I cleverly waited until after 7 p.m., when I knew I’d still be at work but actually picked up the phone. It worked.
Chuck: Chuck, it’s Chuck from Ant Music in Universe Alpha. I’m you, here. How can I serve your music needs?
Chuck: (terse) I got your 30 messages. Sorry I didn’t call you back, but I’m crazed. They just let go of 60 people, so I’m doing talent payment, traffic and I’m running out to a party at Mixedit. I’ll bottom-line it: one spot, competitive demos, all in, no money for demos but if you get the spot the money you should have been paid for the demos will be deducted from your creative fee.
Chuck: Sweet. Count us in. What’s the vibe?
Chuck: Okay, it’s electronic but not techno, country but not western, alternative old-school rock. Our creative director described it as "hip without the hop."
Chuck: That’s right in our wheelhouse. We’ll kill. Anything else I should know?
Chuck: Yeah. The director is trying to convince the client that to maintain artistic integrity they absolutely have to buy that old song from the video with the girl in the bumblebee suit. The singer’s being difficult though, and is holding out for a hundred large and a donation to Save the Pigeons.
Chuck: That guy? He’s still alive there? Damn.
Chuck: By the way, we need to hear something tomorrow.
Chuck: No justice and no problem.
Chuck: I’ll hyperfax you the boards. Either way, I figure between you and the 49 other music companies I’ve talked to, I’m covered.
Chuck: We’ll definitely make you happy. If you’re in this universe we should meet for—Hello? Hello?
But I’d hung up on me—just like I used to do. We worked all night and cranked out six killer tracks, posted them on our FTP site and sent a CD via our wormhole messenger service. Despite repeated calls to myself, I didn’t hear back from me. Our rep told me they loved our work but they obtained the rights to the song they wanted when the singer was busted for possession of an Erickson phone and needed money for legal fees. We are, however, definitely "on their radar … "
Two weeks later, I’m sitting in my office reading Hello magazine’s multi-universe edition. Seems the singer has pleaded guilty to those charges and is looking at some serious space-time. It’s all over page six. My phone rings and I hear myself on the other end.
Chuck: Chuuuck! It’s Chuck from BABWRS. How’s it going? Sorry I never got back to you but I’m crazed. They just let go of most of the account group so now I’m the brand manager too. Listen, the client blew a fuse when they found out we were buying a song from a known phone offender. So, let’s talk numbers.
I had me right where I wanted me. We quickly negotiated a deal fair to all, including retention of rights in all universes except Beta Prime, and a generous creative fee. I also convinced him that the composer could be persuaded to break from his extremely busy schedule to make a few tweaks for, say, the cost of a demo fee.
I talked it over with my creative director and we agreed it would be worth it to deliver the track in person and put a face to my voice. I quantum teleported to Beta Prime, and the agency was so happy with the work that the whole team took me out. So it was me and myself at dinner and you know what? In person I’m not half the jerk I thought I was!
