Feb. 13, 2004 (UPI)—In a stunning synergy of mass marketing, Pfizer and Ditech have agreed to combine their promotional efforts to introduce their first joint product, which has proven simultaneously effective for both debt reduction and penile enlargement. Advertisers are predicting a major windfall in revenues resulting from the new drug being marketed as "No-Worries." When questioned about the difficulty of meeting "fair balance" restrictions in the upcoming media blitz, agency representatives insisted, "Whether it’s in your wallet or in your pants, we’ll find a way to drive it home."
March 1, 2004 (AP)—In a shocking turn of events, George W. Bush announced his resignation today, stepping down as the Republican presidential candidate. The naming of Vice Presi-dent Dick Cheney as the new nominee has triggered the largest product replacement project in history. Flame artists on both coasts are working feverishly to redo dozens of spots currently on air promoting President Bush’s candidacy. Said one artist, "Fortunately, we found that Mr. Chen-ey’s head is significantly larger than the former president’s, which has made the whole pro-cess somewhat simpler."
April 10, 2004 (The Washington Post)—Democratic presidential candidate Howard Dean has vowed to blow the lid off the brewing controversy concerning surround sound and HDTV. Likening it to the cold fusion scam of the early ’90s, Dr. Dean has pronounced it "issue number one" in several of his recent speeches. "Frankly, I have a Dolby 5.1 Home Theater System, and I don’t see what all the buzz is about!" said Dr. Dean. "I think it’s simply a blatant attempt by postproduction companies to gouge their clients for services that provide some phantom, imperceptible upgrade in quality."
June 15, 2004 (Reuters)—Congress today passed a bill in conjunction with the AAAA’s making it a felony to download and disseminate TV commercials. The legislation was in direct response to the recent rise in piracy of spots featuring artists such as Madonna, Britney Spears and Moby. Industry research has revealed that the surge in product sponsorship by recording icons has led to a concurrent increase in Napster-style downloads of commercials made for Pepsi, McDonald’s and others. A spokesman for the AAAA said that Madonna’s new single "The Bigger It Gets," which broke in a recent Viagra commercial, was a prime example of how "kids are turning to ads more and more as their number one source for new, innovative music."
Aug. 15, 2004 (The Boston Globe)—Avid Technology an-nounced the release today of their new software product "Auto-Edit." The new product, which runs on a Palm Pilot, can flawlessly input thousands of feet of film and within minutes automatically export a perfect :30 spot. Its exclusive "revision-free" feature guarantees that clients will be completely satisfied with the resulting spot. At a preview for the release, the hushed audience of top creatives from major agencies around the country was stunned by the presentation. "Try as I might, I simply couldn’t have asked for any alternate versions," said one creative director. "We’re planning to order three hundred packages of it immediately."
Several editors present at the release had a somewhat different take. "I’m not convinced it’s the optimum solution at all," said one. "Hey, you can’t get sushi and a cappuccino out of a friggin’ Palm Pilot, now can you?" Added another, "Those swish pans and dissolves underwhelmed me completely. When it comes to tweaking an edit, there’s really no replacement for the creative anxiety of sitting in a dark room and having a client moon over your shoulder all day."
Sept. 21, 2004 (The New York Times)—In a thrilling climax to the 2nd annual Fluid Battle of the Ad-Bands held in New York, Crank Mommy, an entry from upstate New York, stole the show by launching their lead guitarist 30 feet above the screaming audience. "We’d been working on that one for the past year," one band member reported. "We knew it would take something really special to win the trophy, and our guitarist was more than willing to take one for the team." Speaking from his hospital bed, the unnamed musician said, "I just hit that final chord—blam! The next thing I knew I was being carried into an ambulance. Now that was really cool man!"
