All those who remember Charlie McCarthy raise your hand. This is not good news. Not if you’re looking for a job in commercial production or a creative role at an ad agency.
What it means is you were here around the time Candice Bergen began to feel she was second in line for her father’s affections.
First in line was Charlie, ventriloquist Edgar Bergen’s wooden dummy, which sat on Bergen’s knee every Sunday night on the radio from 1936 to 1955.
It is okay, however, to remember The Beatles, Elvis Presley, The Monkees and Boz Skaggs, but only if you were not older than two weeks at the time. Because that would place you somewhere in your late 20s. Which is an acceptable age these days.
Let me tell you some other ways to avoid detection. If you’re a guy, beware of comb-overs and gold chains. If you’re going to touch up the gray, steer away from yellow or red highlights. They’re a dead giveaway. Also, black shoe polish (à la Tom Ridge of Homeland Security) is not a pretty sight.
If you’re a female who loved Ernie Kovacs, there is probably no way to disguise your age except for a major makeover, which includes surgery. You could try Botox if you don’t mind not moving your face for six months.
Most important for either sex, however, is to speak fluent cyberbabble. Computers for Dummies at Barnes & Noble will help, and at the very least and you will be able to say with authority, "My damn anti-virus program didn’t kick in."
As far as your interview attire is concerned, if your belly isn’t as yet hanging over your trousers, men can try jeans, a shirt with a collar (not a golf shirt) and a terrific blazer. (Don’t wear the collar outside the jacket.) Women should not dress like their Aunt Miriam. Try an ’03 skirt (a little knee can show), turtleneck sweater and some excellent boots (but not the kind that go up as far as your pelvis).
If you can help it, don’t appear with yellow teeth. This signals big coffee drinker and former (or current) smoker. These habits are bad for the heart and an attack could interrupt an important client meeting—for which there is no mercy.
Speaking of yellow, your résumé should not be a shade of that either. A sparkling white, correctly formatted one-page piece of paper with the highlights of your working life is enough. If you have remarkable samples of your career—either video, audio, print, technical or other—bring them in a decent portfolio case. Canvas is a nice touch.
If you are approaching or in the direct center of your midlife crisis, there are certain words and phrases you probably should avoid: "Amazing," "Cool," "No way," "Butt," "Groovy," and possibly "It was so fun."
Other tips:
1. Don’t mention your grandchildren. And, God forbid, don’t show their pictures unless you brought a brilliant family documentary that you wrote, shot and edited yourself. If you’re into music, hopefully your documentary will have a heart-rending track. Also, if you’re a composer, bring carefully selected original scores, jingles and what have you. Any extraordinary breakthroughs in audio or video equipment (the steady cam, for example, which you didn’t invent) would be a notch in your belt.
2. If there is a gap in your years of employment, you can fill them with your sabbatical in Europe where you went to find yourself.
3. Finally, if things are going well, and you are reaching the moment of compensation for your talent ("How much are you looking for?"), say the number with conviction and also slide in the words "health insurance."
A last word: If your interview doesn’t look promising (i.e., your interviewer is taking phone calls), this is the perfect moment to say, "Thanks for your time. I am so out of here."
Good luck. Everybody over 40 is rooting for you.
